I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about mental health and the symptoms and all the shit like that lately and every time I see one, I feel like I’m going to cry. I’ve known something has been wrong with me for years now with all my self harm and moods swings and indecisiveness but I just thought it would go away. Now, here I am, 5 almost 6 years later, 18 years old going into my freshman year of college, petrified that I’ll fail and afraid that if get myself analyzed by a professional that they’ll put me on medications and people will look at me like I’m crazy.
My family is one of those “mental illness doesn’t exist, it’s just a phase” and “suicide is the coward’s way out, you shouldn’t feel sorry for them” type of people. I think this is because they never had someone close to them die through self harm. When they found out about my cutting, they never let it go. To this day my mother (every month or so) says “I really hope you’re not cutting” or she checks my arms. Yes, she cares, but I don’t think she really understands. My brothers understand less of it. They compared their life to mine and say that I have nothing to be angry or upset about. That just drives me more down the drain.
As all of this comes down to a boil, I realize that I need to make the decision to continue living in fear that I might hurt myself or finally get the courage to get my ass up and stand up for myself and my mental health and go get examined. But, to be honest, I’ve been weighing all these options and asking my friends what they feel I should do and although I understand that this is my mental health and they agree that I should go get examined, I feel that it isn’t going to happen. I’m afraid of everything that could go wrong. Like, what if I am just over exaggerating? What if there’s nothing wrong? What if I’ve been going around making people feel sorry for me for no reason and I’m just a fucked up person? Yes, I am afraid that I’m going to kill myself or cut so deep that I end up killing myself BUT I don’t want to look stupid. I don’t want to be the girl who was a burden to everyone because she THOUGHT there was something wrong. That’s what scares me the most.
That’s why I don’t think I’m getting checked out anymore….
I recently moved to North Carolina. I’m having separation issues from my friends and the rush of the city. Everything being so busy. I can’t take the calmness. I don’t want to be here. On top of that, my family doesn’t seem to make anything better. I feel unwanted and mocked and now my iPhone charger is missing and I’m actually about to cry because I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to harm myself again. I’ve been really good. I don’t even remember the last time i cut. Like, I’ve been really good. But I cant bear not being in control anymore. In New York, I substituted my cutting with marijuana. It was great. But now I have nothing. I’m alone. I need an escape. Fast.
There is no worse pain than the one I’ve had for the past week. I haven’t slept and I’ve been blasting the same two songs over and over and over again. I haven’t cried nor have I cut and I feel that makes it so much worse. It won’t come out and I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in this infinite pain that feels like somebody took a sword and shoved it down my throat, through my heart and into my stomach. I don’t know. I guess that’s the best way to describe what it physically feels like. Mentally and emotionally, there are no words to describe how it feels. It just sucks.
I’m sick of feeling so fucking empty all the fucking time. Maybe my ex should’ve fucked a less important friend of mine instead of my best fucking friend. That would’ve been really fucking great. Maybe if my fucking ex didn’t fucking stab me in the heart with his fucking actions, I would fucking be okay. BUT NO my fucking ex had to be a lying, cheating, best friend fucker. Fuck that guy. Fuck her. Fuck my new guy that doesn’t want to fucking acknowledge the fact that I’m fucking dying inside and fuck the entire New York State. Fuck everything. I’d kill myself but I don’t want to give anybody that satisfaction over because of my actions. Fuck that,
It feels like yesterday but it happened so long ago. I was going to take a picture of the day and I was off by a year. An entire year. God, it feels like just yesterday. The emotional and physical pain of my unborn child exiting my body. The days pass and the memory doesn’t go away. Nor do the thoughts of what life would’ve been with her/him. I miss her/him so much. I wish I would’ve known, maybe then I would’ve taken proper precautions and taken care of it instead of not knowig for almost two months to be surprised by the worse fear a woman can have. God, I can’t even type it yet.
It’s been almost 2 years and I cannot get over the death of my unborn child. I failed you, my beautiful spawn baby. I may not have known you but I will always love you.
I could tell you I want to shoot myself. That I want to die. That I want to swallow a handful of pills. That I wanna hang myself. That I want to slit my wrists. But as long as I say it with the right tone. you’d think it was a joke.
I’m not as bad as I used to be. I’ve gotten over the fact that he slept with my best friend. They’re both out of my life and as I continue my journey of life, I realize that I don’t need anyone but myself.
As for my baby, we’re good. It feels different though. To be honest, I don’t know how to feel about it. I am happy and content but I feel like he’s forcing himself to stay with me. I don’t want that. I don’t know what to do.
Home hasn’t gotten any better. My mother s more on me lately and has been waking me up with a few good hits here and there. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong anymore. I feel like everything I do is being analyzed.
I can only hope things get better, keep my feet on the ground and keep my hands off the blade. I feel myself growing and, hey, I turn 18 in a few days :) I can do this. I believe in myself now.
emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you.
this is important because so many people don’t know this
My ex did this ALL THE TIME. And now it doesnt even matter anymore.
i hope one day you are at peace with yourself. i hope you can take a shower without crying and you can close your eyes without thinking about your funeral. i hope one day you start singing in the shower again and are happy for no reason. i hope you get better, because you really deserve to.
I feel like I’m going to cut but, lets face it, I’m a senior. I can’t go to college with scars on my arm. At least the oones I already have are old and barely noticeable unless you look directly at my arm. And those were done freshman year. There’s NO WAY I’m going to go to school with new scars on my arms.
But I feel like I can’t breathe. I need to do something. I’m losing my mind. I’m going to lose it.
I truly hate myself right now. I mean, why am i doing this to myself and to others. I just don’t understand what I’m doing with my life anymore. -sigh- Maybe I should stop trying. Period. Maybe I shouldn’t even try to be happy.
I don’t think my boyfriend cares anymore, but, to be honest, I don’t think I do either. I mean, I wasn’t expecting much. I was expecting 3 but I guess 2 is alright. I mean, what can you do, right? If he doesn’t put in effort, I’m not going to shove myself down his throat. If he’s done then I’m done. Period.
do you ever just see your friends getting really close with other people and you can just feel yourself slowly becoming less important to them and you get this really deep ache in your heart and everything just hurts