I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about mental health and the symptoms and all the shit like that lately and every time I see one, I feel like I’m going to cry. I’ve known something has been wrong with me for years now with all my self harm and moods swings and indecisiveness but I just thought it would go away. Now, here I am, 5 almost 6 years later, 18 years old going into my freshman year of college, petrified that I’ll fail and afraid that if get myself analyzed by a professional that they’ll put me on medications and people will look at me like I’m crazy.
My family is one of those “mental illness doesn’t exist, it’s just a phase” and “suicide is the coward’s way out, you shouldn’t feel sorry for them” type of people. I think this is because they never had someone close to them die through self harm. When they found out about my cutting, they never let it go. To this day my mother (every month or so) says “I really hope you’re not cutting” or she checks my arms. Yes, she cares, but I don’t think she really understands. My brothers understand less of it. They compared their life to mine and say that I have nothing to be angry or upset about. That just drives me more down the drain.
As all of this comes down to a boil, I realize that I need to make the decision to continue living in fear that I might hurt myself or finally get the courage to get my ass up and stand up for myself and my mental health and go get examined. But, to be honest, I’ve been weighing all these options and asking my friends what they feel I should do and although I understand that this is my mental health and they agree that I should go get examined, I feel that it isn’t going to happen. I’m afraid of everything that could go wrong. Like, what if I am just over exaggerating? What if there’s nothing wrong? What if I’ve been going around making people feel sorry for me for no reason and I’m just a fucked up person? Yes, I am afraid that I’m going to kill myself or cut so deep that I end up killing myself BUT I don’t want to look stupid. I don’t want to be the girl who was a burden to everyone because she THOUGHT there was something wrong. That’s what scares me the most.
That’s why I don’t think I’m getting checked out anymore….